Stitch a Smile for Me
by sheegurrseagull
Summary: Hello. I am Iki Hiyori. After a tragedy befell our family, I never thought I could smile again… well not until he took my hand into his sweaty ones that is... "Give me reasons then. Give me reasons to live." , "I will. I promise." AU. OOC. T
1. The Flashback

**Stitch a smile for me**

 **AN** : When you're bored… you write depressing-ish stuff. An evidence is this (Sorry AUF, you gotta wait). **AU.**

 **EDITED:** 04-15-16

 **Summary** : Hello. I am Hiyori Iki. After a tragedy befell our family, I never thought I could smile again… well not until he took my hand into his sweaty ones that is. AU

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Noragami and that wonderful quote of Virginia Woolf

Hiyori- 15 years old

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 **Chapter 0: The Flashback**

When you consider things like the stars, our affairs don't seem to matter much, do they?

I thought, holding a dull kitchen knife in my hands. Weighing the thing on my pale hands. Can I do it today? Could I? Will I? Sweat was trickling down my face and each breath I took was heavy. Just a little push and I would finally be free. Just a little more and I wouldn't have to remember anything about everything. Again, the questions pass my head. It's going to be easy, I just have to stab myself on the head and, Hiyori goes bye-bye. Can I? Will I? It was hard when memories rush to my head and remind me why I still need to stay. It makes it even harder when there are thousands of melancholic thoughts attached with the objects in this room. Like that dreamcatcher, the snow globe, my pink scarf. They were all bought for me by my parents… and yet I had the gall to betray them. I curse and forced myself to grip on the handle roughly, positioning it right above the heart. I bite my lip, and slowly inch the dull blade forward. My skin tingled the second the cold metal touched it, sending yet another wave of painful memories. I can do this, I will do it. This is the day where Hiyori will finally close the curtains. No more doubts. I gripped at the handle and carefully thrust it in. A whimper escaped my lips, I used my other hand to support my weight on the floor. I could taste a metallic liquid, it slowly dripped down my lip, staining my white shirt. Ugh, why did I decide to wear a white shirt anyway? My clothes could've been used by other people. Like maybe that little girl I met at the slums. What was her name again? Hanami? Hanabi? Looking back I wasn't even that much good at remembering names, even that great ice cream parlor near the grocery shop. Wait, I clutch my head, momentarily letting go of the knife, why am I even thinking about these random things. Pull yourself together, let your last thoughts be noble at least. But I knew I wasn't noble, so naturally, my thoughts would be shitty. Shitty life, shitty personality, shitty Hiyori. I scoffed, well, after this none of that'll even matter anymore. Maybe it will, if the circumstances were different. I laughed bitterly and picked my knife up again… Anyway, I exhaled. Good bye stinking world and hello to hell! I thought, positioning the knife once again. I'm ready! I pull my hand back, to gain momentum and...

CRASH!

I yelped and dropped the knife on the floor. Now, who could've dropped those- I stopped. Of course, it was mom… How could I forget that she was here when she was one of the reasons I wanted to leave… or stay. I sat there for a moment. Remembering her disheveled and wrecked state. The thought, once again, bringing doubts in my head. I bite my lip and furrow my brows. Do I really want this? I stare at a photo of my family back when everything was still rainbows and sunshine. Can I leave her? No, I couldn't. But that wasn't the real question now is it? It's…

Does she want me to stay?

Will she still want me when I…. I clutch my chest, my eyes on the brink of tears. It pains me to remember what I did. It's unforgivable. If mom knew what really happened, she would despise me more. She'd be more broken than how she is now. She loved me then… She loved me and father and yet, the dumb me comes waltzing in and ruins the whole picture. I glared at the floor and realized I was already crying. The wooden floor was already stained by my teardrops and blood. I sniff and wipe the liquid from my eyes. Damn these tears. I should die for inflicting pain on everybody. I should die for being so careless. I should die for being the one who murdered my own father….

Yes, I'm the reason why my father's dead. I'm a murderer. And… I should pay for it. The dam then broke, I couldn't stop the torrent of awful thoughts that flooded my mind nor could I stop my tears, my shoulders won't stop shaking. If only I was stronger.

"Aaaah!" I bit my fist to prevent my screams from getting any louder.

"Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. I'm a murderer" For a second, I felt like I was insane. Maybe I was on the brink of sanity. Here I was, hugging myself on the floor, rocking back and forth, a knife on my side. If anybody could see me now, they'd be shaking their heads and ask what I too needed an answer in.

What happened?

I murdered my father, that's what. It felt like I was drowning, my lungs gasping for air. I needed the escape and ending myself is the answer. In fact it's the answer to everything. With this I can pay the price for killing a loved one. I needed someone to hold me again, I needed my parents, my FATHER! But he's dead and it's all because of me. And now that I'm trying to make everything alright again by ridding of myself, I couldn't because I remember my mom. Some being must be watching and preventing me from doing this… well go away! Why can't you just let me die in peace?! Is that also too much to ask for? I pound on the floor, tears continuing to spill from my eyes. My shoulders shake and my nails create wounds on my arms. Maybe there's an invisible force laughing at how pathetic I was, even at committing suicide!

"Please… please." I didn't know what I was begging for at this point, there's just so much wrong in my life. "Please..." In the middle of my fit, I started to hum a song, it was the song mom used to sing for me, especially when I had nightmares. I wish the song still had its magic, to make everything all better after a bad dream.

So as I continued to hum to myself, tears cascading down my cheeks, I find myself succumbing into a dreamless sleep. Hoping that when I wake up, everything'll be better.

:::

I woke up to puffy eyes and dark surroundings. Ugh, what was I doing again? I look around me and my eyes land on the blood stains. Oh, that's right, I tried to kill myself. I ran my hands through my hair, my shoulders slightly relaxing at the gesture. Even after that sleep everything still wasn't ok. I stood up and grabbed at the nearest furniture for support. My eyes stray to my reflection in the mirror. Pale and lifeless… I turned away, focusing instead on the door. My hands shakily open it, afraid of what I might see. I gulp and glance at the knife along with the dried blood on the floor. Remembering, again, my failed attempt at suicide. Guess today's not the day. I sigh and whisper,

"Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow."


	2. Hiyori Iki

**Stitch a smile for me**

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Noragami, Adachi Toka does. It'll be trash in my hands.

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 **Chapter 1** : Hiyori Iki

I haven't really smiled in a while. I, too haven't let out a real laugh in forever. But I didn't care, there's nothing to be happy about anyway. When you've got a deranged mom, a dead father, and almost no money in your bank account what's there to be happy about? I sighed, reading Guinevere. I brushed my raven locks out of my face, feeling the pages of the old book. Occasionally sighing as I read, especially when I got to the part where Lancelot and Guinevere first make out. It was bewildering me how the great queen described what Lancelot's oh "holy tongue" tasted like. How'd I even get to this chapter? Must be the boredom that was killing me. I heard the bell ring (lunch was now over), I closed the book, not too glad that I had to listen to the rambling of those educators. Always telling me things like: "Oh Hiyori, I know you have the potential. Just let the maverick in you to go out!" or "Iki-san, please do exert some effort into studying, don't let that intelligence of yours to rot!" Psh who cares? One more year and I'm out of this junkyard of a high school. I won't be going to college since, where will I get the money? I'd rather be continuing my work as a waitress in that coffee shop and leave my mom for good, maybe give her off to a relative or something. I was the only one left in the hallway and not a single drop of guilt ran through my mind. The professors were used to seeing me as the last to come in during a lecture. As I opened the sliding door, I could feel the stares of my classmates and Mrs. Kino's disappointed one. Can they please stop that? I don't need the pity, just because… I stop. Now is not the time for reminiscing, Hiyori.

"What do you have to say for yourself Ms. Iki? You've never even gotten to this class on time!" I sighed and looked elsewhere when she made exaggerated gestures with her hands. Tune them out, tune them out. I saw her pinch the bridge of her nose and shake her head. Her rant's done? "Fine, just go to your seat Ms. Iki." I nod at her and did as I was told. Propping my head on my hand, I looked out the window immediately. By then I was already deaf to their silly lessons on poetry. My ears barely hear her say something about how beautiful the meaning of whatever poem she was reading. Why do we even bother studying all these? It's not like we're going to use it in real life. Will the vendor of apples even ask you why the heck the 'wind seemed to whistle past his ears while his feet moved to the beat of life'. I continue to look out the window and conjure things up in my head that can never come true, like for example mother finally getting a grasp of things after THAT event or I could go to college and study medicine, if only I had magic powers to make money in a flash. I can always steal but who would want to rot in jail a virgin... and also rot at such a young age! Preposterous. I yawned, head already bobbing up and down until I could feel myself sinking into sleep. It was, what you would call, (perhaps) bittersweet because when sleeping I could get some rest but that also meant that my demons would be free to torture me. A dream came up, no… it would be wrong to call it a dream. It was more of a recurring nightmare, the monster's claws, again, will be seeking for my misery.

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The first to register in my mind were the sound of seagulls, then the warmth of the sun and the scent of the sea. I stood at a beach, the waves lapping on the seashore. I look up and almost sighed at the sight of the sky painted with hues of pink, orange, yellow and red. I could get used to this. But, my eyes freeze as they land on a "pretty" picture. I scoffed, and looked at my feet, I forgot- we mustn't mistake 'Quiet' for 'Serenity'. The view shifted and I find myself looking at… us. Naturally, mom and dad were there, we were all laughing, cozy under an umbrella. Every nightmare, of course, starts with something beautiful so when the demons come to wreak havoc, it'll be more painful. It was a time before all the shenanigans happened and dragged me into an infinite stage of sadness. Mom hugged me to her chest, my little 10 year-old hands hugging her back. My own hands automatically wrap around myself, maybe because I wanted to feel the warmth little Hiyori was feeling. Is it possible to be envious of myself? I could hear my little self say something, and I almost choke at what I said.

"We're going to stay happy forever, right? Mama, Papa?" She hugged both of them, so happy that the love she was giving is being reciprocated. I envy her. I tighten my grip on my arms. That's it, I've passed my dose. I couldn't look at my family- my old family, not like this. I tried to take a step back, wanting release from the situation. I furrowed my brows, why can't I move?

"Of course, darling. We'll stay happy forever and ever and ever." I looked back up. My dad had all of us in his arms. I could barely hear him whisper, "We love you, Hiyori dear." I gulped and tried to steel myself. That's always it, I try. But nothing I ever do goes well. Not a second later, I realized my body was shaking. I wanted to look away, I wanted to move but my body couldn't. I grasped at my feet and tried to haul it up. Why won't it budge?! I frantically looked around for anything that could help me. There was nothing, nothing but that display of affection in front of me. My eyes then were forced to look back at them by some unknown force. There we were, so happy, the sound of seemingly deafening laughter filled my ears. I fisted my knuckles and screamed. My eyes widen when no sound came. And yet their laughter still pounded at my ears. I closed my eyes and repeated the mantra in my head.

 _This will soon be over. This will soon be over. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry, Hiyori._

Useless. I couldn't block it. Their voices seemed to be ingrained in my head, mocking me for being so weak, dismal, and helpless. The Hiyori then would've had her parents helping her but the present Hiyori… she had nothing.

My shoulders relax, the laughter stopped and all I heard was nothing. It must finally be finished. That was when I heard the waves come closer and the sound of it louder, I opened my eyes. And my vision only darkened, this was... I covered my mouth with clammy hands, suddenly the air was too cold, and the dark surroundings seemed to be encompassing me. I sunk to my knees, clutching the stony edge of a cliff. I crumbled. This… this wasn't supposed to happen,

"It was an accident!" The shock of getting my voice back didn't register, instead, my attention wasn't strayed from "It". I clutched my head and clawed at my throat, for my eyes met with stone cold ones, eyes that will forever haunt me.

"GO AWAY!" The last thing that I saw before the darkness consumed me was the corpse leaping from the ocean, pulling me to hell with it.

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I woke up with a jolt, did the bell finally ring. I rubbed my eyes and supported my head with my arms. There was nobody left, my eyes scan the surroundings. What time was it anyway? I glanced at my wristwatch and immediately stood up, toppling the chair. I cursed, packed my things and bolted for the door. My boss will kill me for being late. A string of curses were repeatedly said in my mind, my surroundings were a blur. I passed the park, then the ramen shop. I turned the corner fast, my school shoes rubbing with the asphalt. I stopped and panted. There it is, my source of income, "Ye Ol' Coffee shop". I sling my backpack over my shoulders and take a deep breath, get ready for the "Scolding Machine Gun", as I call her. The chimes sounded as I opened the door. In a flash Mrs. Kaneki was in front of me, her hands on her hips. She grabbed me by the arm and led me to the kitchen. Ooh, I glance at her hard grip, those would definitely mark. She let go of my arm roughly and... Wait for it...

"Where the hell have you been, you scum?! Did you think the tables will clean themselves? You know we're low on staff and you come in your shift, late?! Good thing your co-worker was kind enough to extend or else we'd be in a hole much deeper than this!" I swear her rebonded hair will curl again if she didn't stop, I unsuspiciously used my hands to shield my face. I wanted to tell it to her face that it wasn't time for my shower yet. Say it not spray it, Scolding Machine Gun. "Yes, yes. I get it Ms. Kaneki. I promise not to do it again." I waved my hands in front of her in a dismissive figure. "There were just matters that prevented me from getting here early" in my head, my imaginary self seemed to scoff at me and was saying 'yeah, important matters my ass'.

Ms. Kaneki rose her chin up and turned to the side. "You better be or else your salary's going to plummet" she huffed and went away, probably to the cashiers. I sighed and put down my bag. Just as I was going to put my apron on the Machine Gun came back "Oh and Ms. Iki? Rika-san's overtime pay will be coming out of your paycheck." she was like a snake, a snake that's going to be killed by the Hiyori Iki, I would rejoice just to wipe that awful smile on her face. Hiding my ever-growing spite, I nod at her and begin my tiresome shift.

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The sun had already set, I rolled my shoulders, relaxing when I heard a satisfying crack. I walk up the stairs, heading to the place I called, shelter. My hands fumble for the keys, a weird sense of relief washing over me when it opened to the stale smell of everything. I put my bag down and go straight to the kitchen. The fridge, was as always bare of almost everything except for a couple of eggs and the spaghetti I made yesterday.

"Itadakimasu..." I whispered, just when I was about to dig in, the door to my mother's bedroom opened. I glanced at her but continued to eat, she was her usual self anyway. With her skin just as pale as the walls decorating this rundown apartment and her hair, mimicking the state of her mind. "Hiyori? Dear?" I don't answer, the spaghetti was more interesting than her.

"Hiyorin?" I heard her laugh and I scoff. Who could laugh at our situation? "Hiyorin, use your bib when you eat, look at your shirt, it's all stained now. Come here, let me wipe the sauce on your face off." she gestured for me to come near but I continued to ignore her, she's those types of mentally ill persons who turn what they imagine to be real. Maybe she still sees me as a kid, last time I checked I don't have stain on my shirt and face. "Aww, lil Hiyori-chan is shy no?" She looked at me like I'm a precious jewel and that she was careful not to break me. She was so careful and thoughtful of me that she forgot about herself. I break everyone that comes near me. The sound of a car passing by our apartment drove her attention away from me. Her empty eyes lit up, she clasped her hands and turned to me with a huge smile. "Oh, wait here, maybe Dad finally came home! Wait a moment here dear, I'll check the door." My eyes followed her to the door. I choke on my food, it almost broke my heart the way she hurried to the door and swung it open. Desperation was clear. I watched as she swept her eyes over the streets, looking for any sign that her husband finally came back. She won't find anything there, and by the looks of it, she already knew. Mom slowly unfolded the picture she held tightly in her hands, tears built in her eyes and slowly they fell down, staining the picture. I look down at my spaghetti... my imaginary Hiyori seemed to whisper:

 _You'll end up like her too..._

And as I watch my mom dejectedly heading back to her room, still weeping while looking at the picture of dad, the voice inside me was saying. _Maybe I will_.

I look at her, gently closing the door. Immediately, the sobs escaping from the many crevices of the room clawed at my heart. The spaghetti was stuck in my throat, I drop my fork and clench my knuckles. Shouldn't I be used to this routine already? To this life? The incident happened so many years ago and yet we haven't moved on yet.

I sighed and looked down. "Hiyori, breathe in breath out breath in breathe out." I tried to rationalize, "Now finish your spaghetti, take a shower and go to bed. Then, maybe you'll be able to sleep without remembering any of this shit you're in."

But I knew I was wrong, as my eyes continued to stare at the entrance to mom's sobs. It was deafening but I guess that's all she can do to ease the pain, it's all we can do.

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 **AN:** The usual, what are your comments? Kind of hesitant in continuing this story since… I usually don't write super sad stuff for Noragami. Haha. Anyway, thank you for reading. :)


	3. Rooftop

**Stitch a smile for me**

 **AN:** Was in too much of a good mood to not post the chapter today. Ghihi :D

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Noragami.

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 **Chapter 2** : Rooftop

I wake and feel the fatigue. My body screaming for me to lay back down and enjoy the comforts of the thin blanket. I glance at my clock and with a grunt move my body. My semi-conscious self was already standing in front of the white, chipped door. I raised my, hand coming up to… unceremoniously wipe the drool on my face. Judge all you want, I don't care. All I know is that my bromidic brain needs rest- A long long long rest. My hands wrap around the knob and try to open the door.

Of course. It's jammed again. Why must the heavens curse me with such bad luck? Haven't I experienced so much already? I grunt and repeatedly pulled on the piece of worn wood hindering me from going outside. And when the darned thing finally opened- I swear I could hear cherubs playing their harps. The perks of having a cheap room: You'd get to exercise your arm muscles so darn early in the morning.

I yawn and dragged myself to the supposed kitchen, if by kitchen you mean a stove, then yes, a kitchen. As I took out a lonely egg, my eyes involuntarily glance at mom's bedroom. I didn't want to, I had to. She kept me awake last night, it was much worse than the others before. Since the wall separating my room from hers was only made of plywood, her constant pleas for help grew deafening. I tried to cover my ears, she was screaming something about suicide. If your mom was shouting, "Kill me now! Kill me now! My husband! It's because of her, it's because of her! Kill me now!" would you have pleasant dreams? The option to go to her room and calm her episode was undebatable. My eyebrows wrinkle, I was selfish... no… I AM selfish. The thought of touching her and have those hands on my neck, strangling me for answers, was terrifying. Even more so when I knew, I couldn't answer without breaking down. I heard the door open to reveal her desolate form. My eyes quickly avert and grab at the ends of my hair, her almost chocking me to death…. It happened before. Anyway, I sighed and cracked the egg, watching the yolk slowly turn solid and the egg whites turn opaque. Guess I've nothing significant to do a few hours after this, I can always get some grocery. I flip the knob, take the pan, and put the contents on a plate. I look up at her, she was still motionlessly standing there. An unwanted shiver ran up my spine. Right, to the supermarket it is.

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I haul the light plastic bag out the supermarket and look at my wrist watch. Quarter to six's not that a bad time to go home now, is it? I think I've done everything I needed to. I've shopped for food, worked my shift at the coffee shop and did the best I could to try not to slit my throat with every tedious hour. Not sure if I was joking or not, folks. I sighed and proceeded forward, the sun frying me while walking to the bus stop. I got there and waited for maybe hours? I fanned my face, and looked out into the road. You know that time when you've been waiting and the urge to leave, taps you on the shoulder but then questions like "what if the bus arrives the moment I leave the bus stop?" comes flooding and gives you doubts? That was exactly what I was feeling. I glance at my watch and tap my foot on the pavement. Why the heck is it taking so long? Tono-sama's forum will be airing on TV in the next 30 minutes. Time dragged on and I was not feeling any refreshed. I sit back down the bench and set my groceries down. What to do when- I yelped when someone tapped me on the shoulder. Now who the heck tapped me on the shoulder? The moment my eyes met hers, I knew, I'd miss Tono-sama's forum.

"Hi, Hiyori. Remember me?" It was her, my ex-best friend. My prodding ex-best friend. I stay silent, was she really there? I rub my eyes. I'd never thought that she would be here. "Hiyori? Earth to Hiyori!" I shake my head and croak out an "Ohhh, hi, Kofuku?" She squealed and hugged me tight.

"I'm so glad you still remember me, how are you? Where do you go to school now? Why'd you leave town?" Kofuku held me at arm's length and stared at my face. Her eyes suddenly softened. "But seriously, you just went poof and everybody was worried about you. Come on, we'll catch up in my apartment." She said, grabbing for my groceries. "I-I, Kofuku!" I tugged for my groceries back, "I- uhh, appreciate that you want to talk but, I have got to go. My… uhh" I grasped at anything that can be used as an excuse, knowing her, she'd ask about everything and anything. She might accidentally, let's just say, re-open scars. My eyes then caught something about yoga. "Yoga class! I'm late for a yoga class! You know, we occasionally need to stretch the hamstrings! So, I really need to go." I said stretching my hands and finally tugging free the groceries from her hand with a wave I turned and walked the other direction.

 _Escape. Escape. Escape._ This was all that I could think of while walking away from her, it isn't too late.

Before I could even take another step, her hands grasped my wrist and when I turned to insist more that I needed to go… her expression struck a chord.

Kofuku's eyes showed pity- or maybe care? Whatever it is, I needed to get away from it. I opened my mouth to say something but she beat me to it. "We all know you're lying, Hiyori-chan." The sound sent shivers up my spine, how could she have that kind of effect? To both be intimidating and still be somewhat reassuring. She continued to look at me like that, and I could do nothing but gape at her. She gently squeezed my hand and continued, "I know you're hurting, we could talk about it you know that? Just like old times?" She laughed and I felt my lips turn upwards slightly. She linked her arm with my right. "It would be so fun! Why'd you even leave Osaka? You never really gave an explanation, you had everything set there. Your grades, the college you were planning to go to. The course you were to take." She paused and looked at me, my eyes were momentarily ripped from the pavement. "Huh?" she chuckled, "Silly Hiyori. I said, why'd you leave Osaka?"

How do I answer that without giving too much away? I can't spill anything. I don't want to. "I guess Nagoya had better air?" I said unsteadily, she won't fall for the lie, but that'll hopefully prevent her from prodding any further. I crossed my fingers that she really won't prod, it's been a while since I've talked to her, (or made any social contact) and I'm afraid that that little piece of Kofuku I knew is gone. This was followed by silence. Why wasn't she saying anything? I glanced at her, she had her eyes closed. Was she finally backing down? Doubts are kind of unwelcome in my mind now. Or maybe… she's troubled. Kofuku always did that when something's bothering her. Again, the thought of having "known her" and not "know" her crosses my mind. I jumped when I heard her speak.

"Hiyori…" Her voice all of a sudden had a serious tone to it, she was serious yet comforting. But when she opened her pink eyes, I could tell she was close to begging, was that the right word? Nevertheless- this wasn't a good sign, all my warning bells were going haywire in my brain

"There's something wrong. I can feel it. There's something you're hiding and I feel that we should talk about it." She looked at me but I refused to look back. Don't do this Kofuku, please. With you hitting all the right nails, you might just- no… Things are moving too fast, way too fast.

"… I understand that it's been a long while since we've talked…. but best friends never really lose connection, do they?" She had a small smile on her face, her hand pulled something from under her shirt and it revealed the twin necklace we had. My breath got stuck in my throat, and all these random memories rushed back to my head. I bit my lip and hardened my jaw, this is no time to bawl Hiyori. It took all I had to stop the tears from falling when I reached up and felt the steel against my skin. She kept it, Kofuku actually kept that cheap gift I got her on a festival. Silly as it may sound, it was just a goofy looking fish. She had the head and I had the tail. I got it for her because we couldn't catch an actual fish from the lake nearby.

"So Hiyori, can we talk now? About the real events, the real reason why? It wasn't easy trying to cope without my best friend. It would be like you never left. I'd listen. We could gush about our crushes again, imagine that, Hiyorin." Before I could control it, I felt myself wanting to accept her offer. I could actually have all of it back. I tuned her voice out and looked back me, the bus stop was still there, and I could faintly see a bus I could hitch on to ride for home. I had the choice to go with Kofuku and shed my depressed teen state or go back to my stale life. The walls would be there of course but I won't have a single friend. I'd still be alone. "… And you could finally tell me why you left in the first place." She glanced at me with caring eyes, "You could open up and possibly make amends with yourself when your father-" I froze. She must've seen it and stopped. I almost forgot, I can never make myself forget about that. I'm a monster is what.

Without a second thought I ripped my hand away from her. I swore if she continued any longer, I'd be crying right now and every wall I built would crumble.

I clutched my head hard and kept my eyes shut. She won't reach me. Nobody can ever reach me. "No. There's nothing to talk about. Okay. I'm fine. Father... he… This Hiyori has never been better actually." I couldn't stop, the words just seem to come out of my mouth and before I knew it, irreversible damage has been dealt, I laughed bitterly. What was I doing?!

"I just saw you! Don't act like you still know me!" I shoved her and put a hand to my mouth. There, I said it although the moment the words left my mouth it felt so plastic and so fake. I looked up at her, and felt my words go away. Her eyes still don't hate me. Kofuku's not angry. Why isn't she reacting like how she's supposed to?! Why?!

"I-I'm sorry I said that. But-but please think about my offer. I miss you, even Daikoku misses you. What do you say?" She held out her hand.

"Wh-what even gave you the idea that I wanted an exit in my situation? I-I just saw you, you've no idea what's happening. You don't know anything." I cringed when she flinched. I was shocked by the amount of lies I was saying and regretful of how I'm making her feel. Nevertheless, her hand still looked so inviting. I stared at it for a long time. My eyes dart from her face to her invitation. I wanted to lift my hand, I could take it and possibly earn my friend back. Did I even lose her in the first place? I faced her and caught myself. I saw… red. In Kofuku's place was a rotting corpse, the arm looked like it might fall off, the legs were bent and the head was ridden with glass shards. My feet took a step back. Instead of her warm, pink ones…. It was replaced by those pair of haunting eyes. I should've known, it won't let me be happy. I shouldn't even have the right to be happy in the first place! I couldn't look away, it's screaming for help… It was begging me to help it. My fists clenched. And here I thought, I wasn't delusional.

Right then I knew nothing can ever go back to the way it was before. Nothing. I steeled my eyes and immediately brought my hand back down (having realized that I have lifted it).

"I don't need the pity, thank you. Now good day, Hara-san" I didn't stay to look at her hurt expression. It would only add to the guilt. I can only imagine how she hates me now. Don't we all? As I ran and boarded the bus, I thought, _don't worry, I hate myself too_.

And yet when I expected her to despise me and look like she's regretted ever being my best friend, I heard Kofuku say,

"I'm sorry."

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I liked the night. The way the tiny stars seemed to sparkle was beautiful, especially when the moon is full and all those celestial bodies up there seemed to dance with each other. I liked it, the night also held an aura of mystery, and I like mysteries- or rather, I like the idea of solving mysteries. The darkness always seemed to have a secret and only the moon and stars could hear it, each hour, I would wait for them to reveal the answers behind the enigma. And just when they're about to reveal those answers, dawn arrives and out comes the big and mighty sun. Suddenly the moon just seems like a passing dream, like it was never there, because again, the sun would be there, hogging all the attention. I used to like the day, especially sunrise, because it would mean that another day was coming, another chance to fix the mistakes of yesterday. But as I aged, I soon realized that some mistakes were written in permanent marker. And I could never have another clean slate again- another sunrise. Another permanently written mistake that I had made today was when I said those harsh things to Kofuku.

I sighed and looked down from the rooftop. It was cold out, no one would be foolish as to go outside in this kind of extra cold weather. Well, I was. But I needed to think, the events of today put more weights on my shoulders.

 _Don't act like you still know me!_

Ugh, I clutch my head, I wish I had a delete button in my brain, so then I could delete these god-awful memories and go on with my life. Of course the people around me would remember but at least the thoughts won't bug me.

"Like what it's doing now." Another sigh escaped my lips, I hugged myself and leaned further on the railing preventing me from being a dead scattered mess on the pavement below.

 _You don't know anything_

"I get it brain, okay?! You won't let me live this down. I hurt her and I should say sorry, but then again if she hadn't been prying too much, we won't be in this mess." I exasperated. Having a conversation with yourself is normal right? "How could I even say sorry when I don't know when I'll ever see her again? Maybe in a few more days, weeks, months, maybe never! But that would be great, right?" I start pacing, "Everything will go back to normal and there'd be so much white noise in my head that the event earlier would be buried under more pressing problems. Maybe it won't even matter tomorrow." I pause and stopped, my feet leading me back to the railing. Maybe it will matter… I don't even know anymore. I sighed and sat down, letting my legs go between the gaps between the steel. Watching it dangle was both exhilarating yet scary. A memory from three years ago suddenly resurfaced, the feel of blood red liquid dripping down my chest and cold steel grazing the spot near my heart. It was my failed attempt at suicide in the old house.

It was when the death of my father was still fresh in everyone's minds, it was 5 months after the event. My mother was still trying to cheer me up during those times, she'd always be there, smiling at me… even though I knew that she was slowly unraveling, she was on the boundary between sanity and insanity- I knew. But still with each smile, I just grew selfish. I thought I could have her doing that forever and she won't get tired. But then I saw her, whispering to herself in the kitchen- things about death, me, who's at fault, being tired and… butterflies. It only confirmed what has been lurking in the back of my mind. Maybe her wonderland was far better than reality, which was why she withdrew and refused to believe what was real. I sometimes even wonder why I still hadn't done what she did or at least go into wonderland with her. It was almost like a miracle. A miracle that doomed and attached me to this plane.

The day after that suicide attempt (as I remembered) I tried slitting my wrists but in the end, again, I was a coward and only found more reasons to stay rather than die. The day that followed, I grew reserved and that led up to now. Where I ran from every problem and had a fortress around me so the monsters can't get near. Except from my dreams, where they would take every chance they can to feed off of my melancholy and angst. I sighed for the umpteenth time that day and dusted myself, ready to go back downstairs and retreat for the night. I walked to the door but stopped when I heard rushed footsteps going up. It was accompanied by heavy breathing and muffled screams. I proceeded forward, my hands wrapping around the doorknob. I withdrew my hand when the door sprang open and out came my mom. My eyes widen, she had bloodshot eyes, her hair more so disheveled than the usual. My body went frigid, this was one of her worse episodes. She stared at me, her shoulders moving up and down. It was quiet for a while, but then she screamed and lunged at me.

The air was knocked right out my lungs, and the pain that was caused by the fall spread like wildfire. Her hands grasp my hair, a scream of pain erupted from my mouth when she pulled on it and pounded my head on the cement. My mind barely registered what was happening, all I knew was that every inch of my body cried for help. My eyes flew open and my lungs gasped for air when cold hands wrapped around my neck. I tried to stand up but even my legs failed me, it seems that a heavy weight was settled on my stomach. Help me! I opened my mouth to scream when all I did was wheeze. My consciousness was slipping away and black dots danced around my vision. I painstakingly grasp at her hands, my nails may have been digging through mom's flesh but my eagerness to breathe clouded all of it. With a yank, I managed to get her hands off me. I breathed heavily, placing a hand on my chest. I gasped and yelped in horror when she pushed herself back up and pounded her fists on my body. Her knuckles put bruises on my body, my face, my stomach. I put my arms up to shield my face, but that proved futile for it was mom's nails that dug through my flesh. Before I knew it tears cascaded down my face,

"Mom, stop. Mom! Help!" It was already late in the night and I didn't expect anyone to hear. My shoulders shook as I took the beating. Through every heavy punch directed at me, I had to fight and keep reminding myself that she didn't know what she was doing. That she must be seeing the cause of her husband's demise rather that her daughter. I refused to open my eyes, I shuddered at the thought of seeing her in a worse state than how she was this morning. In a final attempt to fight, I pushed her off me. Her frail body landing on the ground with a thud. My eyes widened- immediately, I crawled towards her limp body and brushed the hair out of mom's face. I searched for any sign that she was alive, was her heart still beating? Were her lungs still working? My tears spilled as I rocked her back and forth. The steady rising and falling of her chest gave proof that she was alive. Mom is alive, she's still breathing and I wasn't completely alone. On instinct, I brought her face to the crook of my neck, hugging her like she would've back then. She would've hummed to me too… so I did. I sang the song to her, the same one she used whenever I had nightmares.

I wasn't really paying attention to how much time has passed already, all that mattered was we were… okay at the moment. I didn't even bat an eye at the bruises that littered my body nor the red liquid that has long stopped trickling down my head. For now, there was silence and the belief that my mom won't attack me the moment she opens her eyes again. If she did… I lean my head on her shoulder, the answer is simple. I won't know.

We lay there with our eyes closed, the hours ticking by still.

"Mmm..." I paused and looked at her stirring. Her eyebrows furrowed and I waited.

"Mom?" immediately her eyes shot open. She looked at me, maybe trying to comprehend what has happened and who I was. I opened my mouth to say something when her eyes widened in recognition and pushed herself away from me like I was some kind of…

"Monster!" My breath caught as my own mom pointed an accusing finger on me. She was hyperventilating as her shaky eyes eyed me wearily. "G-get a-away! Take me back to my family! To Hiyori!" I steadily crawled towards her, she shouted and limped farther away.

"Mom, I am Hi-"

"No! Hiyori, she's a sweet little girl. She's our sweet little girl. Don't you dare say that you and Hiyori are the same!" She exasperated, turned back and unsteadily walked back down the stairs. With that, she was gone. I sighed and sniffed, wiping the tears on my cheeks. Was I really a monster? My feet lead me to the edge of the rooftop, my eyes look down at the asphalt, a single word passed my mind and it was: Suicide.

After many years, that single word has come back to haunt my thoughts, enticing me with the blissful promise of release. I could haul myself up this steel railing and find myself a bloodied mess below.

 _Monster!_

My shoulders sag at the term. My own mother called me monster, what about the others? If even she thought I was vile creature, what everyone must be thinking is worse. Again, Suicide flaunted its promise in my face: silence, freedom, escape. Suddenly, I wanted to knock these railings down, they were only hindrances to what I was going to attempt. My feet took a step forward, the wind an ally to Suicide.

And another.

What would I do first once I'm down there? Play? I giggled

And another.

Will I see demons? Or will I see white walls?

And another.

Will I be able to see my father there? Or not… besides who would want to meet one's murderer? I furrow my brows.

And another.

Can I leave my mom alone? She did call me a monster, who would want a monster? I reached up my cheeks and wiped the fresh batch of tears.

And another.

How many times have I cried today? Can I ever grow tired of it? The ground loomed still, all I need to do now is grasp the railing, pull both my feet over it and jump. The rejection of everybody, the hatred from my mom, the guilt I wake up to everyday… I won't have to feel any of those again, I smile. That would be nice. I grip the metal and...

"Stop! Stop! Stop! Lady, don't you dare jump off!"

Who was that? Was the person talking to me? I shouldn't listen, he's probably talking to another person. I sigh and proceed, putting my right foot up.

"Lady! I said stop! Uhh, hold on I'm coming up!"

He was coming up? He'd only be a hindrance, I should immediately jump off. My ears pick up the sound of hurried steps. My breathing sped, what should I do? He's almost here. I closed my eyes, was I sure?

 _Monster!_

Yes, I was.

Time seemed to slow down, when I hauled myself up and let go of the railing. I expected it to last only a couple of seconds, I expected the wind to whistle past my ears and I expected I would die immediately… but I didn't. Why? I opened my eyes and sure I was dangling on the side of the building and when I looked up. There he was the man who can, in one swift move, end my life or save me.

"Hold on!" Huh? He was still there, the man was holding out his other hand. What was I to do again? My eyes dart back down and sure enough I remembered, this Hiyori was supposed to die. I hear the man whispering and say some things but my mind was in too much of a haze to listen. Was I being pulled out? Did he let go, finally deciding that I wasn't worth it? What happened next, I didn't know, all I knew was that I was tired and I was… safe. My body was comfortably laying on top of something warm, something that greatly contrasted the feeling of ice earlier.

"I'm… safe." I whispered, before drowsiness finally took over and carried me through a dreamless sleep.

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 **AN:** finally, they semi-met here. Lol. What do you think? Please do leave a review for any issues regarding the story. Dey are looooved! :)


	4. Deal

**AN:** Why the long update? My lack of inspiration.

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Noragami.

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 **Chapter 3** : Deal

If I had to choose one word to describe this feeling it would be: weird. I didn't expect death to feel quite like this. I imagined there would be fire, maybe people screaming as they were tortured or maybe a vast plain of nothing, but not like this. Not like floating in the middle of a water-like substance and doing nothing but drift.

"Is this it, Amaterasu?! I thought you tasked Izanami to make death scarier?" I wondered, hoping it would pierce through the deafening silence around me. "Well this is… something."

"Wake up."

My tired eyes glanced towards the sound of the voice but found nothing. My eyebrows furrow, "Are you my personification of insanity?"

"Wake up."

The voice was soothing against the glum surroundings. It was like the gentle rustle of pine trees, urging me to get up. My hands move to my bare chest, my heartbeat was still there, tugging at my sub consciousness.

"Wake up?" I ask, "I'm dead, I can't wake up. I remember falling…" I raise my hands in front of me, "I remember hauling myself off of a rooftop, and I remember letting myself fall over the railings." A dry chuckle escaped my lips, "It was quite sad, I was pitiful. But at least ow I'm free..."

"Please wake up…"

My eyes widen at the compassion in the person's voice, have I met him?

"I can't recognize your voice, who are you?"

"Please…"

Immediately, the water surrounding me ripples, and I find myself pulsing in the middle. My heart beats faster and I had to take big gulps of breath. What was happening? I frantically look around, and my eyes land on something directly above me, I soften at it reach up, trying to touch it, Beautiful blue eyes.

"Kireii…" I whisper

Blinding light erupted in the surroundings, and in a flash all my memories play in front of me. When I was little, when I was an adolescent and the present. It was gut-wrenching. Watching how the tone to each set of memories change for the worse. A proof that the first isn't always the worst, sometimes it was the best. Unbeknownst to me, tears started spilling from my eyes, and before I could reign in any kind of emotion I was sniffing. Then sobbing. I curl my body and hug my legs to my chest. How did things end up like this? We deserved better.

"Wake up..."

I glance at something distant in front of me, the stranger's words reverberating through my mindscape. He was telling me to wake up. I closed my eyes and sighed,

"Okay."

:::::

The first thing that registered was everything hurt. My back ached and there was a constant pounding in my head, I try to reach up and touch it but I found my shoulders were also sore.

"Wh-"

"Miss? Oh thank the gods you're awake." A comforting voice beside me said. My eyes immediately shot open and I find myself staring at a man, maybe no older than me. His face was framed by raven locks and his eyes were an electric blue, like that one from my dream earlier. He stared at me and I had to force myself to look away,

"Who- who re you..." I rasped and pulled away, distancing myself from the stranger. He had saved me, I needed to know his name. I pause, 'Saved'? Did I want to be saved? Should I call him my rescuer then? I shouldn't. He was a hindrance to my attempt at suicide. It's similar to that one time years ago.

I hesitated. Had I just jumped right off without delay, I glance at him, he wouldn't've had the time to "save" me.

"Why did you do it?" I whisper and look at him out the corner of my eye. "Why did you do it?"

He stared and shocked me when he moved forward and grabbed both my hands, "Its simple isn't it?" he said, his eyes piercing. "It's because you need to live."

Live? In that word, everything came crashing back down.

"My life has been a living hell, and you're telling me to live?" My voice cracked and I feel bitterness rise from my abdomen. The feeling of loss from earlier resurfaced, "My mom called me a monster and you're telling me to live?!" I threw his hand away from me and move towards the railing. Tears cascaded down my cheeks, "I spat at my former best friend and you, a stranger is telling me to live?!" I sobbed and screamed, memories of my mom throwing me off of her, "My mom barely remembers me!" I scream in agony, it was like being ripped slowly from the inside. It's like I'm being eaten away by depressing thoughts- like there's a war inside my own head.

I wanted escape, I craved for escape and this stranger robs me even of that! And all too suddenly, my eyes widen and my breath hitches as I feel warm arms wrap around me. His voice rang in my ears, he started, "I may not know you but what I do know is that you don't need to die. You're strong, and you can overcome this. Somebody cares. I care."

"I don't even know you... I don't even know your name and you're saying that you care?" I chuckled dryly.

"Yato. My name's Yato." he whispers. His voice sends vibrations through my skin and through every pore of my body. "Yato cares."

The tension could be cut with a knife, the night rolled on and yet we seemed to stand still in time. My shoulders relax, I hung my head- defeated and lean against his steady built. Before I knew it, I whispered- half begging, half disbelieving.

"Give me reasons then. Give me reasons to live."

His arms tighten its hold around me. The gesture sending messages of relief and determination, "I will. I promise."

I release a breath I didn't know I was holding and let a single tear slide down my face.

"I'll hold you to that."


End file.
